With the London Olympics finally here, we felt you needed a breakdown of the not-to-miss events.
We’re not talking about the star-studded spectaculars like Usain Bolt’s 100m or Michael Phelp’s historic showdown with Ryan Lochte in the pool… but rather those events that make you wonder how stoned the organizers must’ve been when the decided to include them.
So without further adieu, here is your guide to the top 10 worst events of the 2012 Olympic Games:
Designed to simulate the 19th century cavalry soldier behind enemy lines, competitors must ride a horse, fight with a pistol and a sword, swim 200m and run 3km. What’s next, combining paintball; cake decorating; Rock, Paper, Scissors; and speed walking? Actually, that sounds like an excellent birthday party for Grandma.
Unless you’re tuning in with the hopes of a nipple slip (no judgment here), best you steer clear of what has to be the lamest Olympic sports since Ski Ballet. The nose plugs, the shower caps, the terrible music… water boarding would be preferable to this synchronized horror show. The only thing worse was the previously competed Solo Synchronized Swimming (isn’t that an oxymoron?).
Tall, long-legged, tanned women in bathing suits – perhaps we shouldn’t complain about this one, but let’s try to be objective here. Firstly, it’s a recreational activity. You don’t see Bocce Ball on the Olympic schedule, do you? And, secondly, here’s a stat: the US has won a gold medal at every Olympic beach volleyball tournament since the sport’s introduction at the ’96 games. Makes you wonder whether the Americans created this one just to up their medal count because they couldn’t beat the Chinese at badminton.
There is no way anyone with a sense of humour can watch this event and not laugh. It’s even called “Hammer Throw”! You better start practicing your “Screwdriver Stab”, which might get your into Brazil 2016.
You’ll remember this one from gym class. It’s like a combination of soccer and basketball, except it takes less talent because all you have to do is whip the ball at the over sized net while the goalie flails his arms helplessly. If handball is an Olympic Sport, why isn’t dodge ball? Seriously, add dodge ball.
It’s called Water Polo. It’d be way cooler if they played it with their eyes closed… Marco!
My, how athletic you are, you can shoot a gun at a target! What is this the Battle of the Bulge? Come on! Now if they let Southerners enter and scream “Yee Haw” every time they shot, then maybe it’d be worth watching. Until then, stick to Archery.
Yachts have no place in athletic competition. Motor boating on the other hand… sign us up.
First off, NO ONE calls it table tennis, it’s ping pong. And it’s a fun activity, but so is bowling and masturbation.
Are you f@#$!% kidding me?
Bonus Feature: Shitty Olympic Sports from the Past
Tug of War
Seriously, this was an actual event from 1900-1920.
This will also be in the Best Olympic Sports list. Participants shot at dummies that had bulls eyes painted on their chests. Lots of good glove removing and face slapping in this one.
The winner clipped 17 poodles in 2 hours. The loser was everyone who was subjected to watching someone clip 17 poodles for 2 hours. At the 1900 Paris Olympics, naturally.
Live Pigeon Shooting
Simple: shoot as many pigeons as you can. The winner got 71. Also in Paris — ahh, the French.