Dear Canucks, Why Must You Hurt Me So?

Dear Canucks, Why Must You Hurt Me So?

A letter to the Vancouver Canucks

Dearest Canucks,

Such a difficult time this is. So hard to put into words. But I must try because of everything we’ve been through during our time spent together.

Who can deny that we haven’t had our ups and downs? That our relationship isn’t a roller coaster — a wooden, creaky, I-hope-I-make-it-home-alive-tonight kind of roller coaster.

We even broke up once, long ago. I vowed to never see you again, and even tucked your shirt away — because to look at it stirred up far too much emotion. But who was I kidding? Our moments of pure bliss were too hard to forget and I had to let you back in my life. Because in my heart of hearts I truly believed you were the one. With your smooth skating, that thing you do with your stick, your sexy foreign languages… yes, you had me at hall√•.

But there comes a time when a man must question whether his relationship will lead to a life of happiness or inevitable sorrow.

Have I not been good to you? Do I not go out of my way to make you happy? I wear that whale shirt you like so much, I skip out of work early just to be there by your side, and I’ve never (never) cheated on you. Through all your hardships — the Manhattan Massacre of ’94, the bear attack of 2010, and even when you were swept away — I’ve been there through all of it. For you.

But relationships are a two way street. And I want more from you. I want the attention I deserve. I want to see that sparkle in your eye, the swagger, the flexing of those muscles. I want you to be there for me, like I’ve been there for you all these years.

I feel, Canucks, like you’ve led me along for oh so long. You tell me you’re going to change; each and every year you tell me. You’ll fix your problems, you say, you’ll work harder. But in the end, these are promises you seem destined to break, never to keep. How can I be with someone who doesn’t keep promises? Honesty is the glue that binds us together and I just don’t know if the bond is holding strong.

But, alas, how can I turn my back on you. And where would I even turn? Those fiery Flames from Calgary — no, never liked red heads. Those Oilers in Edmonton — ugh. Those Leafs in Toronto — sigh, they’re like that popular girl in high school that you never really thought was that hot. No, there’s nowhere to turn. I’m perpetually stuck in a dead end relationship. All I can do is hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, one day, if I just wait long enough, you’ll come through for me and, finally, get me that shiny thing I oh so deserve.

Your Faithful,